I have a blog!

"Men are either eaten up by arrogance or stupidity; and if they are amiable, they are so easily led they have no mind of their own whatsoever."
- Pride & Prejudice

Amen to that. It is so true! I'm so tired of boys. They only piss me off ... and as soon as I think I've found someone good, they fuck it up. Like, seriously? Did you really have to sleep with that skanky dance team junior at that party? Did you really have to get that new ugly ass girlfriend whose main purpose in life is to talk shit about me? Do you REALLY have to talk to me all the time, decide you like me, and then decide that you don't, and then decide that you like me, and then decide that you don't ... and then get mad at me for talking to someone else? REALLY? God damnit, just make up your fucking minds already! Girls get the reputation for being the overly dramatic and over thinkers and whatever, but seriously? Boys are pretty bad too. Stupid hormones and stupid high school just makes everything that much worse ... and that much more under a microscope. Like I started talking to this kid ... and then the WHOLE WORLD found out and flipped a shit on me! Like wtf? Leave me alone! I do what I want!
So this is for the girls. Specifically, the strong independent talented women I look up to. These girls have it going on. Fuck boys!

Breaths of fresh air.

I'm fine now. I have my friends and my family and everything I've ever wanted. I'm ready and open to new adventures and people. I want to run far far away and leave everything behind me. I feel happy. I feel loved. I feel free.

But sometimes, secretly, I think and cry about you at night. I still miss you.

Stand tall, even though you know you're destined to fall.

Breathless.  Heartless.

He’s fine. He’s okay. He’s okay with everything he’s done to me.
When he goes to sleep at night, I am not on his mind.
He wakes up and thinks of her.
He has someone to say good morning to. He is happy. He is fine. He is fine. He is fine.
He is happy. He is fine. He likes things the way they are.

I cannot speak, nor can I breathe. I have lost all senses.
I don’t know how to make it go away. How am I supposed to be okay?
How am I supposed to wake up and be fine and put on a happy face for everyone when all I feel is pain?
How am I supposed to live and breathe and think and enjoy and be okay? Who can help me?
No one.
I can’t do this. I can’t handle it. It’s too much.
It’s too much.


I have to run.
It’s the only thing I can do.
Run far away from everything and everyone and run from feeling anything.
I cannot trust anyone to believe it when I say that this might just be the end of me.
They will stop and shove me into their little folder of teenage screw-ups who will eventually "grow out of it."
EVERYTHING JUST NEEDS TO STOP HURTING
AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STOP BEING "WORRIED ABOUT ME"
AND ASKING IF I'M "OKAY"
AND ASKING WHAT I THINK ABOUT HIS NEW GODDAMN GIRLFRIEND
AND EVERYTHING NEEDS TO JUST BE OKAY AGAIN

Please. I just need it to stop hurting. For just a minute. I need it to stop.

I don't think I can handle this anymore.
He's everywhere.

I'm breaking down, I'm on the ground now. He stands above me, looking down, watching me fall. I'm crying out to him; he's the only one I see, and he just stands there, unmoved. He feels nothing, I feel everything. My whole world is crashing down around me and him, yet he seems to stand there, unscathed. I lay there on the ground, trying to dodge the pain and the tears but they keep coming back. Everything comes back but him. He just stands there until he walks away. Walking away, his back turned, appearing to be incapable of hearing my cries for him.
Everything, all the pain, the tears, the hollowness comes back.
Everything comes back but him.